Fact and Opinion
by Stephan MacLeod

FACT: Many hamsters blink one eye at a time.
OPINION: Many guys mistakenly think they are flirting with them.

FACT: Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A
OPINION: This is why America is one of the world's superpowers.

FACT: Whitby, Ontario has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world.
OPINION: It also has the lowest crime rate in the world.

FACT: Starfish have no brain.
OPINION: What they lack in smarts, they make up for with five cocks.

FACT: Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel with over 50,000 words, none of which containing the letter "E".
OPINION: I bet he used the word, "booty", more than once.

FACT: Bulls are colour blind.
OPINION: They also are not insurance brokers despite what Merril Lynch's logo says.

FACT: Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.
OPINION: If you get hit in the groin with an apple every morning it will also hurt a lot less than pouring a cup of coffee down your pants.

FACT: A can of SPAM is opened every 4 seconds.
OPINION: A can of Whoop Ass is opened every 2 seconds.

FACT: "Babe" was played by over 48 pigs.
OPINION: That's more pigs than the cast of "Police Academy"

FACT: Lip stick contains fish scales.
OPINION: That's why cats wear lipstick.

FACT: Ants never sleep.
OPINION: The reason Ants don't sleep is because Uncles keep them awake with their snoring.

FACT: A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
OPINION: A group of unicorns with paper bags on their heads is a blessing in disguise.

FACT: The first flushing toilet seen on TV was on Leave It To Beaver.
OPINION: Before that, TV stars had to piss in the living room.

FACT: Dr.Seuss pronounced "Seuss" so it rhymed with "rejoice".
OPINION: And he pronounced "Green Eggs and Ham" so it rhymed with "I carry my gat in case of suckas"

FACT: An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
OPINION: It's quicker to kill one by throwing a rock at it.

FACT: Chickens can't swallow while they are upside down.
OPINION: They're too chicken.

FACT: A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
OPINION: I'm a goldfish and….wait a second…what was I going to say?

FACT: More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
OPINION: A lot of people don't realize that donkeys cannot fly.

FACT: Napoleon made his battle plans in a sandbox.
OPINION: Napoleon's cat had most of his battles in Napoleon's sandbox.

FACT: The first word spoken on the moon was "Okay".
OPINION: The next nine words were, "put your pants on, we're gonna be on TV"

FACT: The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb"
OPINION: His second album was a hiphop freestyle.

FACT: It is illegal to ride a street car on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario.
OPINION: Sunday is when most of Toronto's vampires ride the street car.

FACT: By some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life.
OPINION: They usually do this after listening to Iron Maiden.

FACT: The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
OPINION: The second was Tom Hanks.

FACT: Napoleon was terrified of cats.
OPINION: After what happened to his sandbox, I don't blame him.

Stephan MacLeod is happy to be here, with you.